Movie Review #5 - GIRL ON THE THIRD FLOOR (2019)

Movie Review #5

Girl on the Third Floor (2019)

Genre: Erotica. Haha!! Just kidding, training film for ex-hookers wanting to be home renovators. Or horror. Whatever floats your boat, ya kinky bastard.

Run Time: According to some people, it'll seem like days but according to IMDB, it's 1 hr 33 mins.

Release Date: October 25th, 2019

Directed by: Travis Stevens

Written by: Some other people that didn't direct. Can't be good! Right? "Right! We like our movies written and directed by some film school graduate of the ACME Film School!!"  We sure do.

Starring: CM Punk (As lonely Teapot #1), Trieste Kelly Dunn (as Franklin D. Roosevelt), Sarah Brooks (As An Angry Leprechaun) 

IMDB Rating: 4.8 out of 10. "I have a feeling the raters over there were very generous!!!" I believe you're right Webmaster.

Storyline:  Don Koch tries to renovate a rundown mansion with a sordid history for his growing family, only to learn that the house has other plans. (Netflix did a better job summing it up ---- A husband with a bad track record tries to start anew by renovating a rundown Victorian for his family, only to find he's tackled a house out of hell. OH NOZE!! OUT OF HELL?? "Can we say that word without losing respect?" I don't know Webmaster!!!!

Trailer:  GIRL ON THE THIRD FLOOR (2019)

Full Movie: GIRL ON THE THIRD FLOOR (2019) 

What we're drinking: Nothing. We're sober for this one. "I know, we were shocked too!"

YOUR REVIEWERS

He'll dry hump your leg for some pop corn and a scritch behind the ears afterwards. The Movie Hound!! Favorite Quote: "I did what with my sister?"

All the way from inside your computer monitor, he might not be the smartest, the fastest, or the prettiest, but he'll date you for a brew, WEBMASTER!! Favorite Quote: "My zipper got stuck!"

We were told, by the person who suggested this movie, "Do not!! DO NOT waste your time on this film!" And that was seconded by another friend who was like, "It's 2 hours you won't get back!" Sadly, according to the IMDB.COM, this film runs at 1 hour and 33 minutes.

"It's so bad, it's good, right?"

I'm thinking not Webmaster.

"But it won an award at the Brooklyn Horror Film Festival!!! Best Gooey Effect!!! It has to be good to win that award right?"

I have a bad feeling about this one my friend.

"The trailer looks awesome, like scary, like 'Get you, your husband and unborn baby far away from that house!!!!' scary, black mold coming from the power outlets? EWW!!!"

No wonder why this movie won best gooey effect!!!

"This poor fellow died making this movie!"

Sad but true.

"The producer, uncaring, said, keep filming! We'll edit around it!"

Again, sad but true.

"Let us remember Y. Jacket Malone, who starred in such films as WASP! And WASP II! Attack of the Clones!!"

Brilliant actor!! Little known fact, he was also in BEES STINGS!! as well.

"Did not know that!!"

Hey Webmaster, isn't that what they say about you?

"Yea! I paid the guy at Daily Dead to say that about me as well. Fifty bucks and a fifth of Jack!"

Good price. Wonder how much the director of this film had to pay?

"Hey! I want a bowling alley in our house!!!"

Maybe someday!

"And hooker ghosts too?"

I'm not sure about that.

"I WANNA HOOKER GHOSTS!!!"

Settle down! We'll get hooker ghosts too!!

"Not the scary ones though, I want hooker ghosts with faces not falling off! And no icky black mold stuff coming out of the electrical sockets. EWW!"

"Hey Hound, would you ever marry an ex-con stupid enough to try and fix up an old whorehouse haunted by spooky icky hooker ghosts?"

No, I don't think so, that's how you end up being killed, like The Shining method, spousal unit going mad, cutting your face off to give to the ghosts.

"Yeah, sounds most unpleasant!!"

NOTE: When this part was written  we both had just watched the trailer and thought Man found a bowling alley in the house. Sadly, no bowling alley in house. He has to walk to bowling alley which is also a cafe and bar.  "Get the drink! Get the drink!!"

"I married a dumb ass fellows!" *EVIL LAUGH*

*BOTH SCREAM* HAUNTED MOVIE REVIEW!!! *BOTH FLEE*

"Now that those two are out of the way, I'll be taking over this movie review!"

"This is the best movie ever, every one agrees, go over to Rotten Tomato, good numbers! It's really scary, like seeing your mom naked ride a unicorn scary!! You can't unsee that kind of scary!!!"

Listen, we're back! Get out of here random actress from the film we're reviewing! OUT!!

"The power of the Webmaster compels you!!!"

*Screech* "I'm MELTING!!!"

Alright, we hit play on 'Illegal pirate movie site' because we're too broke to afford the price of admission and we find ourselves transported back to early 1980s horror title cards and creepy music with different shots of things in the house that was built not as a home.

Seriously.

It's a nice touch.

"Makes me remember my first kiss!!"

Lets not go there Webmaster.

"It was with my sister!"

I told you not to go there!! EWW!!!

*Music keeps playing* "We made out for 7 minutes!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"I got wood!!!"

STOP!!!!!!!

The best performance in this film is Cooper, the dog, played by the great film star, Pooper!

"He really is good in this film! I seen him dry hump Lassie once!!"

STOP!!!!!

"Was like One Night in Paris, except it was titled, One night in Lassie!" 

STOP!!!!!!

"True horror classic, this blog entry!!"

Cooper takes a run through the house as Human.Male stands at entry way. Cooper finds some goo on the floor upstairs and decides, "This looks good!" and begins to lick it up.

"EWW!!"

I know, who does that? I like to sniff the goo before I lick it!

"That's what she said! HAR!"

What's that smell?

"Whorehouse!!"

YAY!! Haunted too!! How can you tell?

"Whore ghosts!!"

YAY!!!!!

We soon discover that the lights will buzz on for a second then say f*ck you and turn off.

"A sign that an electrician should be called or that the house should be burned down in a 'mysterious fire' not caused by arson so therefore covered by insurance."

Insurance is good!!

"We're only three minutes and 9 seconds into the film and Mr. Human Male is already cracking open up some beers!! I like his style!!"

And his pants are nice too!!!

"And seriously, who paints a room pink?"

I DO!!

"ME TOO!!"

*Both scream happily* YAY!!!!

And the top sign you either bought a really bad house or your hooker might not be the best option for a "Romp" on a Tuesday afternoon! "Black mold" is bad!!!! Bada bing.

"Who just sticks their fingers in like that?"

Your dad!!

"Ha!"

The dog wonders if it's too late to change his mind on doing this movie as Human.Male keeps poking his fingers at the black moldy wall.

"It's too late dog, sorry!!!"

The script writers at work!!

"Like we do, except, neither of us gets paid!"

Wonder how we can get paid to write scripts like this?

"Porn?"

Nah, my talents lay in more European dance hall movies.

"Yeah, mine too. We're hosed!"

"Why isn't that a lovely mirror?"

Yes, yes it is.

"We should take it to a filming of Antique Roadshow!"

Yes, yes we should!!

"This movie is well worth the price we paid for it!!"

It surely is!!

"I would pay twice that amount!!"

Me too!! Maybe more!!

"I wouldn't go that far!"

*Shitty door bell rings*

*Opens door*

"Bourbon?!"

Don't mind if I do.

"I think every movie should have a bourbon break!!"

Me too!!! What nice neighbors. "Here's some bourbon!!"  Thank you. 

"Unlike our neighbors who serve us with those restraining orders!!"

Bastards!!

Best line in the movie. Man to neighbor lady who just shows up with bourbon: Do you live around here?

"No f*cker, I live in the next town over, but heard somebody was stupid enough to buy the ole whorehouse!! Haha!! Dumb ass!! Where's your wife? She's the smart one!!!"

And how does man pay back the nice lady for bringing alcohol?

He assumes she's a nun.

"No!! I thought people from Chicago were more progressive!!! I'm the pastor!! We're Protestants!!!" 

Yeah, ya big jerk!! 

The Catholics are down the street and two blocks over. 

"They'll bring the Jesus Juice and Boy Scouts!"

WEBMASTER!! How rude!! We don't make such jokes in this family oriented blog.

"Sorry!!"

"Hey!! I think that pastor lady is hitting on that guy!! 'My door is always open slick, if ya get my drift. Wink wink nudge nudge. Oh we get your drift, am I right Hound?"

Yeah, she likes it in the back door!!

"Wait, I thought this was a family oriented blog?"

It is. She likes people to come in through the kitchen, easier to mop. Why? What you think I was talking about?

"Nothing. Proceed!"

We then move on to the next scene, man wakes up to the ringing of his phone, his preggo wife is calling and we get to see her belly, his package in his undies, and wifey gets to see the big gapping hole in wall.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call in some pros honey?" she coos.

Man don't need professional, man has two hands, big pee pee, knocked you up didn't he? He can do anything.

"His wife is hot!!!"

Yes she is, yes she is.

""Oh no!! She seen the beer bottle!!"

Bad man!! You no suppose to drink beer!! You know what happens when you drink beer!!

"I go on killing spree!!"

YAY!!!!!!!

"Hey Hound, why is there semen coming out of wall socket?"

I don't know, maybe they got termites!

"Ok!"

*Shitty door bell rings again*

"MORE BOOZE!!!???"

NOPE!! DOUCHE!!!!!

"F*ck!!"

Douche should have brought bourbon, but nope, Douche, being a douche, did no such things.

"How will you survive out here? No night life! No supper clubs...."

Man will make it. 

"We have faith!!"

And magically appearing anal beads!!!

"Yeah, what is up with those things? Man is just walking around and woosh, there appears an anal bead, rolling on the floor, for him to step on."

I don't know, what about the semen dripping from the wall socket??

"I know!!! That'd be my first sign to get the f*ck out of that place!!! First comes semen and then comes blood!!"

What?

"I don't know! It made sense in my head!"

And that's what scares me Webmaster, scares me a lot!!!

"Thanks!!"

"A sign that means, you found a really nice wig in the wall, along with some old news papers, a nightie, a human skull....."

Yeah, you know you got a sweet deal when you find an old wig in the wall. Makes the house that much more homey!!

"Indeed!!"

We find ourselves lost and confused, at the best thing this town has to offer, a bowling alley.bar.cafe. where the owner will suddenly just ask you...... "Are you gay?"

And the most natural response will come out of your mouth, "What? I'm having a kid!!"

For which the owner will state, "Gay people can have kids!"

I thought maybe I had fallen asleep or something and rewound the movie to make sure I didn't miss something leading up to this part but sadly, just Man eating some black sausages.

"Gay indeed! Would a heterosexual man eat black sausages like this?"

He might!! You know in this day and age, gay men are allowed to eat sausages in public!

*Audience gasps*

But soon we are told why the owner thought Man was gay.  It seems "That house" and "Straight guys" just don't get along.

"We get foreshadowing to when Man becomes a Transvestite to save his ass from the ghost hookers!"

Indeed.

Man comes home.

"Cooper!!"

Oh please, don't be dead Cooper!! Please don't be dead!!

*Spooky music plays* 

This is the suspenseful part of the movie, Man looks for Cooper.

Scary, thriller music is playing.

*Creek goes the floor boards*

COOPER!!!

(And a flash of a ghostly form passes by Man, who doesn't see it because well, COOPER!!!! is found. Alive!!! YAY!!!!)

Cooper shows his appreciation of being left behind in scary old house by jumping on Man's testicle. 

YAY!!!!

More face time with the wife on the phone.

"Are you sure you don't need help with the house babe?" she asks.

HE DOES LADY!! BAD!! POP THAT KID OUT AND GET HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! WITH MEN WHO KNOW HOW TO DO REMODELING!!

"And who are gay, don't ask why, just bring em!"

Yeah.  

After face timing with the Wife, Man decides to resume watching porn.

"Daddy Master!!! YAY!!!"

And we get the creepy feeling, this isn't going to be good!!

"Going to be bad!! Really bad!!"

And how!!!

Cooper knows!!

WOOF!!!

That translates into 'Stupid Man! Watch gay porn!! WATCH GAY PORN!!!'

Man tries to escape Cooper's watchful eyes by moving his bed into different room.

Cooper follows.

WOOF!!!!

But Man doesn't listen, they never do.

He dies!

Murdered by a vengeful spirit of the last Madam of the whorehouse.

"Really? We're only 19 minutes in!"

F*CK!!!!!

"Wishful thinking, I know!!!"

Where is the murder death kill??

"It's coming!! You don't win best gooey effect with just semen out of the electrical sockets!!"

I would hope not!

We move onto plumbing work.

"Scary!!"

Very much so. 

"Worse than dry walling!!"

EEK!!!

Man discovers the source of the black slime.

"EWW!! He swallowed some!!"

He should have spit instead.

"Wait, aren't we a family oriented blog?"

What?

"Never mind!!"

HOT LADY AT THE BACK DOOR!!!

As Man washes the black sludge off his face, we are introduced to HOT LADY!! with a shot of her and her flimsy flowing dress blowing in the slight breeze seductively.

This will not end well.

"The plumbing doesn't look that old!" she coos at Man's explanation of how he got black sludge all over his face.

"HA! What a dum dum!!! She's not even in the house to look at the plumbing!!"

Exactly.

Man goes back in and finds more anal beads. 

"This one is up his broken pipe!"

"There sure is a lot of semen coming out of the shower head!"

And fellas, this is how you will die if you buy a house and some random hot lady shows up, you invite her in and go, here, would you like to have some of my beer?

"Yes!" she coos. And then offers you some of her joint.

One thing leads to another and soon, your wife finds out and kills you.

THE END!

No worries about ghost hookers and shitty semen spraying shower heads.

Cooper tries to warn Man but Man's pee pee is directing this next part of the film as woman kisses man.

BOING!! 

26 minutes into the movie and we getting some action.

"HAWT DAMN!!!"

Shaddup Cooper!!!! Go take a shit in the kitchen!!! More slime out there to lick up!! Mmmmm!!!

Poor Cooper is left outside the room as we hear the action inside. Lady: Do me a favor, choke me!"

*COOPER BARKS AS STUFF IS SEEN FLOATING BEHIND HIM*

"We need to get the bark outta here Man!! Go back to Chicago where it is safer!!" Cooper barks out but the Man is letting his wee wee do all the flying on this flight!!

That dress did look better on the floor. *Wink wink*

"You got dust in your eyes?"

Maybe.

"HEY!! LOOK HOUND!! A secret room above the bedroom!!"

Kinky!!!

"Maybe we should call the realtor?"

Why?

"So we can rub her nose in it, we got extra room!! Wink wink!! Damn dust!!"

We're not sure, but we think that Hawt Lady is going to be a problem.

"She sure is!! Never ever stick your pee pee into some random lady who shows up at your back door!!"

Yea!! Never ever.

Actually, I'm kind of getting tired of this movie.

"But there's still an hour left Hound!!"

Exactly!!!! 

"Come on man, lets watch it, till the end!! I bet it gets better!!!"

I hope so. It's hard to watch.  The story line is good but man, does the acting suck ass!!  I mean, you got a house that is like, cool in itself, needs work, like this movie, and you discover some secret room and this hawt lady just randomly shows up, and is like, HI!!! WHATCHA DOING? 

"Don't forget Douche!! Douche is cool!!"

And the pastor lady, trying to warn your ass, to leave, and to leave now, then the bar owner is like, "Straight guys die in that house!!"

And we're a half hour into this "Horror, Thriller" and so far, the biggest thrill is watching the dog lick up ooze!

"And the semen coming from places semen shouldn't be coming out of!!"

Yeah! There's that! What the hell!!

"I bet it gets better!! They're not allowed to make shitty horror movies nowadays!!"

You better hope not!!

"RED RUM! RED RUM!"

What was that?

"I don't know!!"

Maybe this blog really is haunted!!!

"Maybe!!!"

*And the two bloggers were never seen again........till the next terrible movie here on THE MOVIE HOUND* 

"I don't get it, so does the dog talk or does Webmaster speak hound?" old rabbi from another movie previously reviewed (KILLER SOFA!!!!!) asks.  "I have no idea. Lets get high and watch some stuff!!" Lady Voodoo Queen replies.