Movie Review #6: Killer Camera Monster (2020)
Movie Review # 6
Killer Camera Monster (2020)
Genre: Horror/Thriller.
Run Time: 1 hour 26 minutes
Release Date: January 6th, 2020
Directed by: Your mom. Ryan McBay. Also written by Ryan McBay, always our favorite movie.
Written by: Ryan McBay.
Starring: Sarati, Lauren Compton, Bernadette Perez
IMDB Rating: 2.2 out of 10. "I bet this is going to be an awesome movie!!"
Storyline: A struggling photographer gets more than he bargained for, discovering the truth of what his new camera is really capable of.
Trailer: Killer Camera Monsters (2020)
Full Movie: Killer Camera Monsters (2020)
What we're drinking: 42 ounces Olde English "800". "Cause we awesome like that!!"
Since the invention of the cameras, people have strive to make horrible ass movies, the kinds you can't show your mom knowing full well she will disown you by the crap you watch.
"And how!"
This movie is right there the kind of stuff that will get your family to do an intervention.
"And how!!"
"Whatever happened to Mary Jane?"
She was murdered by a photographer!!"
"The horror!!!"
If your photographer looks like this, RUN!! He will kill you!!!
"And use your body to make soup!!"
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
You can tell a good movie by the title screen, some movies spend years just on this part alone, getting it just right.
"Our Ryan McBay spent 2 minutes in Movie Maker for Windows making his!"
This is going to be an epic film.
"And how!! My stomach already hurting!!!"
Would you like a barf bag?
"And how!!!"
This woman at the beginning of the movie is trying to tell us, the viewers, to hit stop and go watch "Showgirls" by using her eyes and Morse code.
"We should listen to her eyes!!!"
We can't Webmaster, we gave our word to some drunk guy on the city bus that we would review this movie and review we shall.
"I guess if you gave your word..."
The star and his friend begin our adventure by settling in. You know his friend will be the first to die (well okay, we get a hint at opening that Star's ex-girlfriend is murdered by the psycho photographer) because you know, the hat?
"Yea!! That hat is uglee!!!"
It sure is!!!
"We really get to the heart of a movie don't we hound?"
We sure do!!!
"These two actors really do their lines with...passion!!"
Yep. And the flashbacks really give us the story so far.
"Yea, Jake the Contractor is a dick!! Promising work and then, Sorry Star of Movie, shit bricks fell from sky, we hosed!!"
And what about the ex-girlfriend, stealing Star's photo equipment and client list and then dumping him?
"What a bytch!!!"
She sure is. I'm glad psycho photographer killed her.
"Me too!!!"
So anyways, Hat Man says to Star, "You should get a new camera, start up a new photography thingie you white folks like to do!!"
"And Star replies, "You're right Black Hat Man!!!"
And so we begin our tale of mayhem and murder, with a simple suggestion and a visit to Amazon.com.
"Buhahahahahahahahahahaha!!"
Actually Star just goes to Google Image search and looks up 'Killer cameras'
"And so we begin our tale of mayhem and murder, buhahahahahahaha!!"
You're getting really good at that scary laugh.
"Thanks. I've been practicing while I'm working at Walmart!"
Good thinking!!!
"Wow!! Star is really quick getting ready for whatever he does!! Walks in to bathroom, slams door, and then door reopens, and he's dressed and showered!!"
Movie magic Webmaster, movie magic!!!
Star discovers without Ex-girl friend, nobody wants him to photograph even their butts. Adam, star's name in movie, gets really sad and kills himself.
The end.
"Really?"
No. But man, be a good short movie, beginning girl gets killed, we have wine with our gay black friend, then we kill ourselves!!
"Best movie ever!! Academy awards for everybody!!"
Including the wine lady?
"Especially her!! She was right, this movie sucks and we ain't even 5 minutes in!!!"
Who picked this movie anyways?
"I did!"
And it shows!!
Adam contemplates what went wrong with his life.
"It all started when he went to film school and descended into madness from there!!"
THE END?
"Until...Killer Camera Monster TWO!! BUHAHAHAHA!!"
You should be a director!!
"Thanks!! My mom made me take tuba lessons when I was a kid!"
What?
"Huh?"
Anyways, Adam can't get a job. He thinks maybe he should become a male prostitute.
"But him too ugly..."
Sad but true.
"I don't think Adam is that ugly. I'd give him ten bucks to take his pants off!"
And 50 to put em back on.
"You bet!!!"
Adam gives up and goes cruising for porn.
"Yay Adam!! And he has the black hat!!"
Black hat is cool. Needs its own movie!
"Killer black hat starring Adam!!"
YAY!!!!
'Canz I be in movie too?'
"Sure Wine cafe lady!!!"
We got a movie!! We got a movie. Now we just need a script!!
"Ryan McBay!!! Ryan McBay!!"
YAY!!!!!!
'You like cheese with your wine?'
*Both* YES!!!!!!!!
Adam goes to get his camera he found on some site online.
"Word of advice, if the person selling you a camera says to meet you on some beach in Jersey and come alone, that there is a legit business deal and you should skip merrily to your destination!!"
And bring lots of cash.
"Yeah, tens and twenties. Make sure they shiny!!"
Yeah.
Hey!! It's that nice fellow we met at the beginning of the movie, the photographer who killed Adam's girlfriend!!!
"YAY!!! He's also the camera shop owner!!"
Who puts a sign on his business' door, 'Come find me down at the beach!'
"Him very classy!!! Wanting his customers to get some air while they do business in the parking lot at the beach."
And how!!!! Hard to believe we're already 6 minutes and 41 seconds into this film and we're already at the beach.
"Yeah, most movies make us wait hours before placing us at the beach!!!"
Adam buys the camera.
"700 bucks sir!!"
Here's the camera with a warning.
"Like Gremlins?"
Yes, only take photos of people and only in natural light.
"What if I take photos of cars in garage?"
You'll die a horrible death!!
"Thanks Mr. Spooky Camera Shop Owner!!"
Isn't it strange that Adam doesn't even question why owner has the exact camera Adam came to buy at shop in the back of his car!!!
"Not really. All legit businesses carry their products in the back of their car!!"
Adam doesn't really listen to the camera shop owner as he explains as the why you don't want to take photos without natural lights.
"Unfortunate side effects!!"
Adam: Yeah, yeah, I heard you.
"Seriously, only natural light!!"
Adam: Yeah! Shaddup and take my money!!!!
So Adam takes the camera and times passes, it's night time, Adam and his black hat friend (now wearing a baseball cap that is purple) are at Adam's apartment.
"Cue up porn music!!"
Nah, Adam takes some photos of cups and goes, "You gotta check these photos out!!"
Black hat friend: Those are awesome.
"We all know what is going to happen, BHF is going to say, you should take my photo!! And boom, BHF friend will be dead within hours!!!"
And how!!!
So Adam and BHF take photos and then Adam says, 'I need an assistant!' and BHF, being too busy with many projects on his hands, suggests this girl, Olive.
"This movie is getting good!!"
Really?
"No, not really!!!"
Wait. I thought Adam's girl friend was murdered by the psycho photographer but there she is, selling her work to Adam's old client.
"Maybe we kind of wished she would get killed, before, we knew her."
Maybe. I hate Adam's ex.
"Me too!!"
He should date BHF!
"Yes he should!!!"
Next scene! Next scene!! Adam meets Olive.
"She's cute!!"
Remember though, only take photos in natural light!!
"Right, yeah! yea! I heard the first time!!"
Olive -- in natural light!
*Both* *SCREAM, RUNS AWAY*
That camera guy was right!!
"Yeah!! Only natural light!!! She did have some nice cleavage!!"
Yeah, maybe we should give her a second chance.
*Wanders back to movie* HI!!!
This is Gina.
"We assume Adam has worked for her before!"
Gina came with Olive, telling her, 'Adam is a geek!' and Olive likes geeks.
"Gina does not look impressed with Adam or Olive's interview for assistant. She is like, Assistant, right!! Adam used the same line on her and 9 months later, well, she was taking Olive to meet Adam. Adam really has no luck with women!!!"
He sure doesn't!!!
"Maybe fifth time the charm?"
Maybe!!!
Adam tells Olive, YOU HIRED!!
Adam: The pay is zero!
Olive: That's fine. Maybe some point it'll start paying, right?
Adam: Sure!!
"Hey Hound, can we find somebody dumb enough to work for us for no pay!!"
I think we already have them!!
"Who?"
US!!!
*Both scream* YAY!!!!
Adam (to Gina): Hey! Would you like to help us out too? With calling clients?
Gina: Nah! I got stuff to do.
Gina is the smart one in this group.
She leaves.
Adam decides to take some photos of Olive.
She is holding a light saber.
"That's hawt!!"
Later, Adam downloads the photos from camera.
"And Olive is starting to get down with her boyfriend!"
And then she is coughing, hard, as the photos finish downloading.
"Is Olive gonna die Hound?"
I think so Webmaster!!
"I sad now!! She hawt!!"
Yep, but we all knew the rules, photos only in natural light.
"Side effects!!"
Yep!!!
"HOLY SHIT!!"
EEK!! Olive falls off bed, and we heard beasts noises. Boyfriend is like, "This is hawt baby!!" and looks over bed, to be devoured by something, we don't get to see that!!!
"OLIVE LIVES!!!"
*Both* YAY!!!!
"We should probably tell Adam though, if he has sex with her, don't look over the bed to the floor at her!!"
Yeah. Get devoured.
*Both* *Sad sighs*
This is where the movie really shows how much they paid for natural lights.
"Or any lights!"
The scene is dark, very dark, you can almost see Olive's ass in panties, devouring her boyfriend, as their friend, who was downstairs, comes up stairs to see what is going on.
"The light budget for this film was 12 bucks. "
You think that much huh?
"Candles are expensive Hound!"
Untouched photo of Olive devouring her boyfriend --- seriously --- this is how dark the scene is.
"She does have a nice ass!"
She sure does!!!
Friend discovering Olive on floor devouring her boyfriend. True line --- HOLY SHIT!! Our thoughts exactly friend.
"And how!"
We can almost see the ripped out throat of boyfriend, Olive eating away, like some sort of wild animal.
"Special effects in this movie are awesome..."
...If only we could see them. They are hinted at.
"Like!! OOOH!! That could be blood!!"
Or ketchup. We're just not sure.
"Is this movie suppose to be scary?"
I'm not sure Webmaster. It's too dark to tell. It could be erotic.
"Like Showgirls?"
No, I don't think anything is erotic like Showgirls.
"We should review that movie next time Hound!"
We really should.
"This movie kind of sucks Hound, the lighting is horrible, the acting beyond sub par, the plot is iffy, but the butts and cleavage are most excellent!!"
10 stars out of 10 for the butts and stuff. I think with more budgeted towards lights, this movie could have been a scare fest, the kind you take your girl friend to so she jumps in your lap and goes, "I scared!!"
"Or you do the same!"
Shaddup!! That movie was scary!!!
"And the girl wasn't even there with you!! Her boyfriend was pissed!"
Yea he was.
"You were in the hospital for weeks!!"
Yeah. No more Broadway musicals for me!!!
So anyways, back to the movie review, now we are out of the dark room and we can almost see, Olive chasing friend, friend has stake, I think, and is trying to defend himself.
"What the fuc....we went from super dark room to jerky camera work, badly cut scenes, showing what I assume is Olive killing friend but who knows...."
Seriously, the camera action is just awful.
"We almost see what I assume is friend's jugular being ripped out by the woman gone beast mode or it could be Olive making a strawberry short cake!!"
Who knows! Who cares! They lost me at the ass shot.
"Olive really does have a nice ass!!!"
10 stars out of 10. Must see movie for the whole family!! Until next time, I'm Hound!!
"And I'm Webmaster!!"
*Both* And we'll see you AT THE MOVIES!!!
We kid, we won't see you at the movies.
"Yeah, we've been banned for life!! After Hound piddled on the screen at Showgirls!!"
I had to pee!!!
Gina: RIGHT!! You had to 'pee'!!! GAWD!! Men! Such animals!!!
Adam is a photographer.
"He takes naughty photos of people and says stuff like 'Shaddup and get in the cage!'"
We decided to review this movie as it's a current one.
"2020 baby!! We going to review it hard!!"
And long!!
"Spank my ass Hound!!"
**Spank**
"Harder!"
This review is getting strange.
"And how!"
This movie is right there the kind of stuff that will get your family to do an intervention.
"And how!!"
She was murdered by a photographer!!"
"The horror!!!"
"And use your body to make soup!!"
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
"Our Ryan McBay spent 2 minutes in Movie Maker for Windows making his!"
This is going to be an epic film.
"And how!! My stomach already hurting!!!"
Would you like a barf bag?
"And how!!!"
"We should listen to her eyes!!!"
We can't Webmaster, we gave our word to some drunk guy on the city bus that we would review this movie and review we shall.
"I guess if you gave your word..."
"Yea!! That hat is uglee!!!"
It sure is!!!
"We really get to the heart of a movie don't we hound?"
We sure do!!!
"These two actors really do their lines with...passion!!"
Yep. And the flashbacks really give us the story so far.
"Yea, Jake the Contractor is a dick!! Promising work and then, Sorry Star of Movie, shit bricks fell from sky, we hosed!!"
And what about the ex-girlfriend, stealing Star's photo equipment and client list and then dumping him?
"What a bytch!!!"
She sure is. I'm glad psycho photographer killed her.
"Me too!!!"
So anyways, Hat Man says to Star, "You should get a new camera, start up a new photography thingie you white folks like to do!!"
"And Star replies, "You're right Black Hat Man!!!"
And so we begin our tale of mayhem and murder, with a simple suggestion and a visit to Amazon.com.
"Buhahahahahahahahahahaha!!"
"And so we begin our tale of mayhem and murder, buhahahahahahaha!!"
You're getting really good at that scary laugh.
"Thanks. I've been practicing while I'm working at Walmart!"
Good thinking!!!
"Wow!! Star is really quick getting ready for whatever he does!! Walks in to bathroom, slams door, and then door reopens, and he's dressed and showered!!"
Movie magic Webmaster, movie magic!!!
Star discovers without Ex-girl friend, nobody wants him to photograph even their butts. Adam, star's name in movie, gets really sad and kills himself.
The end.
"Really?"
No. But man, be a good short movie, beginning girl gets killed, we have wine with our gay black friend, then we kill ourselves!!
"Best movie ever!! Academy awards for everybody!!"
Including the wine lady?
"Especially her!! She was right, this movie sucks and we ain't even 5 minutes in!!!"
Who picked this movie anyways?
"I did!"
And it shows!!
"It all started when he went to film school and descended into madness from there!!"
THE END?
"Until...Killer Camera Monster TWO!! BUHAHAHAHA!!"
You should be a director!!
"Thanks!! My mom made me take tuba lessons when I was a kid!"
What?
"Huh?"
Anyways, Adam can't get a job. He thinks maybe he should become a male prostitute.
"But him too ugly..."
Sad but true.
"I don't think Adam is that ugly. I'd give him ten bucks to take his pants off!"
And 50 to put em back on.
"You bet!!!"
"Yay Adam!! And he has the black hat!!"
Black hat is cool. Needs its own movie!
"Killer black hat starring Adam!!"
YAY!!!!
"Sure Wine cafe lady!!!"
We got a movie!! We got a movie. Now we just need a script!!
"Ryan McBay!!! Ryan McBay!!"
YAY!!!!!!
'You like cheese with your wine?'
*Both* YES!!!!!!!!
"Word of advice, if the person selling you a camera says to meet you on some beach in Jersey and come alone, that there is a legit business deal and you should skip merrily to your destination!!"
And bring lots of cash.
"Yeah, tens and twenties. Make sure they shiny!!"
Yeah.
"YAY!!! He's also the camera shop owner!!"
Who puts a sign on his business' door, 'Come find me down at the beach!'
"Him very classy!!! Wanting his customers to get some air while they do business in the parking lot at the beach."
And how!!!! Hard to believe we're already 6 minutes and 41 seconds into this film and we're already at the beach.
"Yeah, most movies make us wait hours before placing us at the beach!!!"
Adam buys the camera.
"700 bucks sir!!"
Here's the camera with a warning.
"Like Gremlins?"
Yes, only take photos of people and only in natural light.
"What if I take photos of cars in garage?"
You'll die a horrible death!!
"Thanks Mr. Spooky Camera Shop Owner!!"
Isn't it strange that Adam doesn't even question why owner has the exact camera Adam came to buy at shop in the back of his car!!!
"Not really. All legit businesses carry their products in the back of their car!!"
Adam doesn't really listen to the camera shop owner as he explains as the why you don't want to take photos without natural lights.
"Unfortunate side effects!!"
Adam: Yeah, yeah, I heard you.
"Seriously, only natural light!!"
Adam: Yeah! Shaddup and take my money!!!!
So Adam takes the camera and times passes, it's night time, Adam and his black hat friend (now wearing a baseball cap that is purple) are at Adam's apartment.
"Cue up porn music!!"
Nah, Adam takes some photos of cups and goes, "You gotta check these photos out!!"
Black hat friend: Those are awesome.
"We all know what is going to happen, BHF is going to say, you should take my photo!! And boom, BHF friend will be dead within hours!!!"
And how!!!
"This movie is getting good!!"
Really?
"No, not really!!!"
Wait. I thought Adam's girl friend was murdered by the psycho photographer but there she is, selling her work to Adam's old client.
"Maybe we kind of wished she would get killed, before, we knew her."
Maybe. I hate Adam's ex.
"Me too!!"
He should date BHF!
"Yes he should!!!"
Next scene! Next scene!! Adam meets Olive.
"She's cute!!"
Remember though, only take photos in natural light!!
"Right, yeah! yea! I heard the first time!!"
*Both* *SCREAM, RUNS AWAY*
That camera guy was right!!
"Yeah!! Only natural light!!! She did have some nice cleavage!!"
Yeah, maybe we should give her a second chance.
*Wanders back to movie* HI!!!
"We assume Adam has worked for her before!"
Gina came with Olive, telling her, 'Adam is a geek!' and Olive likes geeks.
"Gina does not look impressed with Adam or Olive's interview for assistant. She is like, Assistant, right!! Adam used the same line on her and 9 months later, well, she was taking Olive to meet Adam. Adam really has no luck with women!!!"
He sure doesn't!!!
"Maybe fifth time the charm?"
Maybe!!!
Adam tells Olive, YOU HIRED!!
Adam: The pay is zero!
Olive: That's fine. Maybe some point it'll start paying, right?
Adam: Sure!!
"Hey Hound, can we find somebody dumb enough to work for us for no pay!!"
I think we already have them!!
"Who?"
US!!!
*Both scream* YAY!!!!
Adam (to Gina): Hey! Would you like to help us out too? With calling clients?
Gina: Nah! I got stuff to do.
Gina is the smart one in this group.
She leaves.
Adam decides to take some photos of Olive.
She is holding a light saber.
"That's hawt!!"
Later, Adam downloads the photos from camera.
"And Olive is starting to get down with her boyfriend!"
And then she is coughing, hard, as the photos finish downloading.
"Is Olive gonna die Hound?"
I think so Webmaster!!
"I sad now!! She hawt!!"
Yep, but we all knew the rules, photos only in natural light.
"Side effects!!"
Yep!!!
"HOLY SHIT!!"
EEK!! Olive falls off bed, and we heard beasts noises. Boyfriend is like, "This is hawt baby!!" and looks over bed, to be devoured by something, we don't get to see that!!!
"OLIVE LIVES!!!"
*Both* YAY!!!!
"We should probably tell Adam though, if he has sex with her, don't look over the bed to the floor at her!!"
Yeah. Get devoured.
*Both* *Sad sighs*
This is where the movie really shows how much they paid for natural lights.
"Or any lights!"
The scene is dark, very dark, you can almost see Olive's ass in panties, devouring her boyfriend, as their friend, who was downstairs, comes up stairs to see what is going on.
"The light budget for this film was 12 bucks. "
You think that much huh?
"Candles are expensive Hound!"
"She does have a nice ass!"
She sure does!!!
"And how!"
We can almost see the ripped out throat of boyfriend, Olive eating away, like some sort of wild animal.
"Special effects in this movie are awesome..."
...If only we could see them. They are hinted at.
"Like!! OOOH!! That could be blood!!"
Or ketchup. We're just not sure.
"Is this movie suppose to be scary?"
I'm not sure Webmaster. It's too dark to tell. It could be erotic.
"Like Showgirls?"
No, I don't think anything is erotic like Showgirls.
"We should review that movie next time Hound!"
We really should.
"This movie kind of sucks Hound, the lighting is horrible, the acting beyond sub par, the plot is iffy, but the butts and cleavage are most excellent!!"
10 stars out of 10 for the butts and stuff. I think with more budgeted towards lights, this movie could have been a scare fest, the kind you take your girl friend to so she jumps in your lap and goes, "I scared!!"
"Or you do the same!"
Shaddup!! That movie was scary!!!
"And the girl wasn't even there with you!! Her boyfriend was pissed!"
Yea he was.
"You were in the hospital for weeks!!"
Yeah. No more Broadway musicals for me!!!
So anyways, back to the movie review, now we are out of the dark room and we can almost see, Olive chasing friend, friend has stake, I think, and is trying to defend himself.
"What the fuc....we went from super dark room to jerky camera work, badly cut scenes, showing what I assume is Olive killing friend but who knows...."
Seriously, the camera action is just awful.
"We almost see what I assume is friend's jugular being ripped out by the woman gone beast mode or it could be Olive making a strawberry short cake!!"
Who knows! Who cares! They lost me at the ass shot.
"Olive really does have a nice ass!!!"
10 stars out of 10. Must see movie for the whole family!! Until next time, I'm Hound!!
"And I'm Webmaster!!"
*Both* And we'll see you AT THE MOVIES!!!
We kid, we won't see you at the movies.
"Yeah, we've been banned for life!! After Hound piddled on the screen at Showgirls!!"
I had to pee!!!
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